Winter Blah's

This winter is kicking my ass.  I struggle with depression, and it seems to be getting to me this winter.  I see my Primary (care physician) every month for medication maintenance.  I'm on a controversial medication that I don't want to disclose, but I take Effexor XR for my depression anxiety, and Gabapentin (Neurontin) -black label- for anxiety. (I'm a recovering addict, and can't take any mood altering substances, like Xanax or Valium).  I just started BuSpar to help with the depression, even though it's for anxiety.  My Doc said she heard that it helps the Effexor to combat the depression. I was upset at my appointment, because I knew I had to do something, but I'm on the maximum recommended dose of my Effexor, and I hate it and don't want to be on it to begin with.  But I can't deny that it helps.  She suggested Light Therapy, which I scoffed at.  I don't like to be outside a lot, because I'm a 100% risk for Melanoma.  Plus I don't tan. Why burn and develop cancer on my face? Doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me.

I told my friend about the Light Therapy thing, and he gave me some off hand information.  One, is that I could go tanning for a minute.  It's the full spectrum of light that helps improve mood. Two, is that I get some full spectrum light bulbs. Most light bulbs are NOT full spectrum.  They cost more, and have that yellow-orange light.  I like the pure white light that I use for crafting in my Ottlight.  Three, is that I could look into some hippie places in Ann Arbor that provide Light Therapy.  Most likely my insurance won't cover the appointments, and plus that means I have to make the appointment and keep it, which is what I have been having problems with lately.

My decision was to start the BuSpar and my best friend kindly purchased a full spectrum light bulb when we went shopping at Target.  I've had that sucker on all the time for the past few weeks.  It kinda gave me a placebo effect that is starting to wear off when the temp drops.  I know I shouldn't complain about the weather, when there are people wading though 3 feet of snow.  But in reality, it doesn't help me want to leave my bed.  Any time I have an appointment or plans, I start to get really anxious, something I haven't had to deal with in awhile.  If you don't know, depression and anxiety are married.  You can't have one without the other.  My anxiety is severe, and I've had panic attacks.  I know you hear people claim they have panic attacks all the time, but most likely it's just a regular ole anxiety attack. That's my baseline.  Things that make me anxious are returning library books, people in my personal space, elevators (i'm short and can't see through people), I used to be anxious of opening doors and would hang back until someone would open one for me if I was with people, paying bills (even though I have plenty of money in the bank), checking my voicemail, and many more.  The anxiety makes me avoid doing these things.  Then I get myself in trouble.  Then the depression kicks in, when I realize how dumb I'm being, but it cuts down on my self esteem.  Then when people are on me to make plans, I get anxious.  Especially when they keep asking if I'm going to be there at X time.  It freaks me out.  My stomach churns, a headache creeps in, and my chest gets tight and it's hard to get a good breath in.  Then my skin will start to crawl, and I don't want to be in my body.  It's hard sometimes.  I have medication that helps, but I don't like taking it, because it makes me tired.  I feel normal, but I just get tired.

The depression makes me want to isolate and not talk to people. No-I don't want to hang out. No-I don't want to talk on the phone. No-I don't want to get into my car and drive to Ann Arbor in the cold. No-I don't want to leave my house. and NO I don't want to leave my bed!  This is why texting is great.  But I know that it is also can contribute to my isolation. I know that if I exercise it would help.  We just got a treadmill from a family member a few months ago that's in my foyer.  I just can't seem to get enough motivation and energy to get on it.  It's the answer to my problem. I KNOW this.  Then I feel like the world's biggest F-up because I just can't seem to do it and get it done....this any every important time-sensitive matter in my life right now.  Some days I can get myself all riled up and try to attack and accomplish everything at once, but I feel like those days are few and far between.  I'm just sharing my FEELINGS right now, and I know that feelings aren't facts, and they are fickle and will change.  I'm not trying to complain, but I'm trying to put into words how I am lately.