getting better

I'm feeling a bit better this week.  I actually have kept a log of what I have eaten/drank. I just need to exercise, drink more water, stop drinking Coke, and I'm well on my way. I've lost 3 pounds from my doctor office weight. I feel a lot of this is extra water weight, while my meds are being adjusted.

I have been keeping a tiny notepad on my nightstand, so I can keep notes. It's been helping me focus a bit better.

I've read 3 fiction books this past week, so I feel like I'm actually doing something, instead of watching tv. I also have dressmaking and pattern making books checked out. I'm learning SO much. I'm still bummed that I'm STILL not better since I got sick last weekend. I missed a skirt making class that I've been obsessing about for MONTHS. I also have a book out on making bags. I never had an interest, until I had the idea that I can make bags to match my dress!

I have over 3K email. I've erased the entire thing TWICE. The first time I used my iPhone, and thought I reversed something to make all the email magically reappear, like the hour I just spend deleting all that email didn't exist.  So it took about another week to get over that, and I tried it again. I pressed trash, exited out, and saw I had 300 emails to read. Pretty good from over 3000. Then I noticed about 15 minutes later all the email came back again!! So I'm going to have to do this manually on my laptop. The bad thing, is I get really distracted and start 5 different side projects while I'm doing it.  I find that I need to reorganize my pinboards, and transfer all my bookmarks to pins, that way I have more memory (or whatever it's called. I don't care, i just want my computer to run faster). Then I find that I need to blog about 5 different things, while entering giveaways and checking Instagram on my phone.  It's been a difficult task. That's what I get for abandoning my laptop for a month.

I KNOW that I'm going to be unsubscribing to a lot of crap emails I get, and try to figure out a better way to read my blogs.  Some blogs I haven't even seen since Google Reader died. On my iPhone, i can only load a few pages of blogs. So 10 blogs at a time. I subscribe to like 8000 or something, because I have a lot of different interests.

Thanks for reading this rant. I promise I'll be more interesting next time. After cleaning out my computer, I'm going to start on my room. So I can start sewing presents. It's been fun seeing what other people make.

The past month

I haven't opened up my laptop. I just didn't FEEL like it. For the first couple weeks, I was pretty good at going through my email. Then around the 4th week, I had almost 2,000 to go through. I deleted more than 900 during my first sweep through them. It was a bit more than my iphone could handle, and I did something that REVERSED that process and I got back my junky email. Oh, thank you Apple, because of all other things to mess up, email isn't one of them. grumble grumble.

Because I could only delete somewhere between 50 & 100 at a time, I reluctantly decided to open my laptop and get back to business...because that number is driving me insane. I get over 100 email a day. Thank YOU Google (not-anymore-reader).

But you know what? I'm not stressed about this blog. I don't care if I didn't get around to writing something. I have been using it as a : GO DO this already, pathetic girl.

Something happened mid-month that is horrible beyond belief. It's a very private issue that I haven't talked about on my blog, but it's serious. It has nothing to do with rape, so don't get to worried there. The only person it hurts is me...and maybe the people who really care about me, but in the end, it really just effects me. So now that's been almost a month ago, and last week I started getting hives again. That happened way earlier this year when Spring was trying to emerge as winter was clinging on. I guess the temperamental season changes doesn't help this much. I was SO SICK this past weekend. I even missed my skirt class that I have been dying to attend since this past summer. Like I have $50 to waste. I'm so pissed, and I really hope I get to work out something, that I can take another class at a different time. I fell asleep 5pm Friday and woke up around 4pm on Sunday. I slept through Saturday.

I know I'm depressed. I know that it's a situational depression that really is dependent on how this will play out. I see a Dr at least once a month. She's aware of this and has been prescribing me meds for this for over 3 years.

I know that I've gained a bunch of weight and am HATING it.

I know that I have too many mind-numbing activities going on.

What I can do: I have a treadmill on loan. Right now it came possessed, and I have to figure out how to run/fast walk on a few inclines without going from 2 to 8 incline and from 2 to 9 speed. There is no way in Hell, I can attempt something like that any time soon.  I don't have a goal because I have NEVER worked out before. I figure if I can lose 10 pounds and increase my metabolism, it will be a win-win.

Changes have been made so I have fresh veggies, and sometimes fruit on hand so I can eat that instead of cookies.

I am quitting Coke. This is one of the hardest things I've had to do. It's ALWAYS there. There really isn't an option to get this out of the house.  I'm thinking on ways to do it though.  I drink sweetened tea instead. This is the same sweetened tea that I've drank ALL my life (when I wasn't drinking coke) when I've weighted 90 pounds, so I'm not too worried about cutting EVERYthing down to water and carrot sticks. Tea is good for you.

I need to start journaling. Which is different than blogging. I want to buy a new notebook for this. I also want to start a Fitness journal, where I record what I'm eating and drinking and how much I exercise.  Just to keep track of where something might be going wrong.

I need to start SEWING again. Just because I don't have a backing for a quilt, isn't a good excuse not to put together the top.

I need to start making a real effort to be friends with the friends that I have. I tend to isolate and not keep promises....which makes me go back to feel bad about myself...vicious cycle.

I REALLY hope that I can take a different class. I didn't feel right about going in with a super high fever and fever spots/hives. I guess we will see tomorrow. If not, I'll just act like I donated to a good cause. Because I like that spot and I don't want to get bitter over it. It's not worth it.

I have good things going for me, if I work for them. I also need to find something new to read. I love to read about ANYthing I find interesting.  From the non-fiction, biographies, sewing books sections to just about anything from Stephen King to David Sedaris in fiction.

I think anything good to battle the anxiety and depression that I'm having is good for me. The only thing I can do is pray and wait for a (hopefully good) answer.